I have come closer than I’d like to admit to losing the war.
This war, this seemingly unceasing and hopeless war, has raged in my mind for years and years.
Each morning greets me by a wrestling match with Motivation. I then duck under the relentless and preternaturally strong blows of Exhaustion, all the while ensnared by Fear that’s whispering about the day to come.
Once at school, Detachment looms over me, leaving me cowering behind my unstable ally, Focus. The hallways are simply roads to the next competition with Frustration and Distraction.
Brief rests come in the form of warm smiles, vanilla-scented hugs, and small reminders of hope. But however nice, they are just rests, and soon it’s time to steady myself and put up my fists again.
The sound of swords clashing echo off the walls of the living room until I’m forced to externally surrender. The arrows that had just pointed outwards slowly aim themselves back at me.
By the end of the day, Exhaustion has reappeared and dragged me down to the depths, where Procrastination grins wickedly at its fresh prey. Guilt, with only the best intentions, tries to drag me towards Productivity but only pushes me down further.
Late at night, Anxiety lies in wait to ambush and torture me right out of my last distraction, sleep.
This entire war takes place inside my own mind, hidden behind a carefully crafted façade. At the same time, I enter voluntarily into others’ battlefields, desperately trying to help in any way I can. I carry the wounded back to a place of safety, without telling them I am mortally wounded myself. They need rest as much as I do.
I have absolutely no doubt that left to my own strength, I would no longer still be standing today. I would have been overwhelmed entirely years ago. I would certainly not be fighting others’ wars, as hard as I’m fighting my own. Pain and Darkness would have unquestionably won.
But that is not the case.
I have not lost, and I never will, ultimately. I don’t have to fight those battles on my own strength. I have a God that is infinitely bigger, greater, and so much more than even my biggest conflicts.
I am not left hiding behind myself because I have a Might Fortress as my God. I am not fighting by myself or for myself, because my Lord is the conquering hero of my battle-strewn heart. I am not left running from my demons, for my Father goes before and stands behind me. I am not left, at all.
This is not to say I don’t have to fight anymore. That is made unquestionably clear every morning. But I can always find rest and hope in the knowledge that my war has already been won. It was won five years ago, in a place of love, surrounded by stars and soulmates and magic and Him, Him, nothing but Him for the rest of my life.
He has won. I will never have to fight alone again.
It is, and always will be, well with my soul.